I'm have a restless soul. I can't just be and have nothing to do, I need to have something that keeps me occupied. It feels like my life isn't moving anywhere.
So I talked about making a new blog and so I did. It's now time to say goodbye to this blog.
Here is the new one : nouw.com/heidiih
I'm having a severe age crisis going on. I have about one week time to be a teenager. That is so crazy to actually turn 20. I can't keep up with the time. How awful mustn't it be, like I should be an adult now but it definitely doesn't feel like it. I'm still doing stupid shit mistakes and I now know that it is me, myself and I who has to bare all the consequences. I have just experienced life as fun and partying these last two years but lately it has been a little too much of that. Getting emotional here because of all my lovely and dear friends who still is there for me. Even though we don't meet all the time I still have you in my heart. It really means a lot. I know I only can say this when I'm drunk but now I stepped up and said it in a sober state of mind.
Still it feels like I'm not doing anything important so a little party never killed nobody. Hahah.
I still feel like I don't know for 100% certainty where I'm going to be next fall and that is scaring me a lot. Late night angst bye.
So lately I have been thinking about changing my blog adress and start fresh and begin a new chapter so to say.
I have had this blog since New Year's Eve 2011, so I kind of feel like something needs to change.
I have some really old texts here and I would be more than happy to erase them. I have also thought about changing the language to swedish but I really don't know. I'll see what I decide.
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Do you know the feeling when you hear a song that takes you back to a time that was nice then but now it's only an empty memory? A memory connected to something you don't want to remember and you just change the song when you hear it e.g. from the radio. I have at least one.
It is a good song no doubt, but I just can't listen to it.
Yeah, I think I'm not the only one having this issue.
Oh, I forgot to mention this in the last post. I have to admit it. I'm obsessed with the 50 shades of grey soundtrack. One fact that will happen again this year. Me and pizza on Valentine's day, that's a date.
Tomorrow Fridayy! Here are some songs to cheer up the dancing mood for the weekend.
Have I learned to stop doing that.. apparently not. Let go of the past.
Every time I remember that old, nasty stuff I just want to run as far as possible.
I can joke about it in some situations, but otherwise I won't mention it.
No, I have to hide it deep, deep down where not even me can find it. But that is going to be impossible since I'm such a fool. And the biggest question is why it keeps popping up in my mind all the time. Phew. Grrauh.
And then it quickly transforms to anger, hatred, sadness and other really bizarre feelings.
Whatever. "Don't say maybe if you want to say no" Should learn to do that more often.
Why is it so hard to forget?
Repressed memories. I would want to be able to organize the things I don't want to remember. It's quite a lot actually when it's 20 years of unnecessary shit to carry around.
I feel so empty.. and stressed. I don't know what I should prioritize. I have too many 'should I' in my mind right now. I shouldn't make such a big deal of it but still it's spooking in the back of my mind. I know that in order to get into any school I have to start reading n.o.w. but I have the other thing coming up before that. Siigh. Oh well. Just general anxiety about these things.
here's a couple of pictures
not my cake no no, my brother's birthday cake.
this happened yesterday, parteey.
I'm going to spend the rest of the evening watching some Mentalist and Ch. P.D.
So yesterday I didn't manage to think nor do anything clearly. I felt so dizzy with all the painkillers. I think I never have experienced that kind of headache and agonizing pain in my body. Some kind of flu trying to overtake me. Just like someone was trying to dig out my eyes from my head.
Anyways I have started reading for my exam now and I must say that everything is much more interesting now than back then. I didn't care enough to get really good grades, I just wanted those courses to be over and pass them.
My priorities are from the a$$. Like literally. My motivation is at the rock bottom, which it shouldn't be right now. I have that freaking exam in two months and a shitload to read. Shame on me hah. I don't even remember how to make notes anymore jeez. And I have some minor stress about where I'm going to apply in a couple of months or so. I know two study subjects so to say but the two others I have had on my mind is a bit of a blur. I have been thinking about a different town and that sort of thing but we'll see what I decide. Couldn't someone give me a sign please I have a hard time deciding in this head of mine. Well, I have plenty of time, not.
Last day of the year. There have been ups and downs. I truly hope that next year will bring new adventures, success getting a study place, new friends and so on. A good year in general.
I've learned from my mistakes (hopefully) and moved on. I'm ready for a fresh start, bring it on 2015!
So now everything's set and done for the holidays. On Monday we had our Christmas dance show. It went really well and it was a whole lot of fun to see all the different dances. I had kind of a sad feeling or something after the show though. Earlier this fall I had nearly decided that this will be the last time I take any dance classes. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I would love to continue after this short holiday but on the other hand I feel like I need to do something else. A new challenge, a challenge where not only my body gets stronger but also my mind. You may not know what I mean now but I have a really bad self control when it comes to training. I used to have a such a clear picture of my goals when I was in the athletics and that's already 4 years ago. Woah time goes by so fast. I did quit athletics due to an inflammation and that I felt that I was never going to be as good as the best in our training group or whatever you call it. I was really strong at that point, I had muscles that were strong. Now I just feel ... not as strong hah. What I would like to do is build back that muscle strength. Oh enough of this crap now.
I just love these pictures haha, especially the smaller ones.
Hello. I've been pondering back and forth and now I have finally signed up for spring exams. Yey. Time has gone by so fast again, as usual, and now it's soon Christmas.
And so yesterday I ended up in town with some people. Extempore indeed. I had fun.
Soppa oli irti big time. I also managed to rip my jeans ahhaha.
Right now I feel like I don't want to stay in this town anymore. Not even in this country. What I would need is a brake. Go somewhere abroad and for a moment forget about everything. phew..
I feel so restless when I don't have anything meaningful to do in my life. I should start studying so that I have some kind of goal to reach. Okay, I must admit that it has been really relaxing without any homework and school. So I will enjoy this freedom while it still lasts.
A cosy evening evening is accompanied by good music.
It's so funny how you imagine how places and homes look like on the basis that another person tells you. It's like when you read a book and you see it clearly but in reality it doesn't look like it at all. That happens to me all the time. So random.. Last weekend was just what I needed in this black and white life of mine. First we watched a movie, The Maze Runner. It was really good although I hadn't heard about it. Then we went to my friends place and sang singstar until 5 am. The next day we went to the bar. All in all, I had a really great weekend. ...... I got my servingpass certificate today yes! I'm so happy that I made it through. I bought a new nailpolish to celebrate ahhah.. Also our theme for the Christmas danceshow is art&fashion. So excited, can't barely sit still. Until next time,
So, my final exams are over and I just want to forget them as soon as possible because it went so badly.
Oh and what else have I been doing.. Danced, met friends, had a really nice "kräftskiva" last weekend. Do you know the feeling when you want to do something so bad but then you think about your own situation and won't do it because you have done it so often lately? That's what I think about bars right now haha lol. It will change next week I know that. gaah my self-discipline is so worthless. And omg CF has begun again! I'm totally addicted.
So, my intention was to try to improve my final exam grades in English and Finnish. Hah hah haa. Such a joke. The listening comprehensions have been this week and man I'm just laughing when I try to remember what I was thinking in spring when I signed up for them. The English lc was so freaking hard and I just wanted it to be over the minute it started. Hopefully the reading comprehensions will be easier.
I'm not really sure if I've mentioned which dance classes I take part in right now. I chose voguing and lyrical dance. The latter one is way outside my comfort zone but the good thing is I will learn something new ( I guess).
Sometimes I feel so hopeless and I'm restless. Sometimes I just sit and think that everything's a mess. Sometimes I just smile out of nothing. And sometimes everything seems like you have so many problems you want to sink under the ground.
.........
Yep, so what have I done these past few days. I've been dancing, read to my exams that I have in less than two weeks (holy crap) and thought about my possibilities when it comes to my year without studies. Now I'm thinking like why didn't I go to any vocational school but three years ago I didn't know what I wanted to be. In the today's society you need to have either a finished education or the experience from the same field of work.
Oh well, I'll just have to hang in here, the luck must turn at some point.
I'm nervous as hell.. Job interviews are never going to be a calm thing for me. I'm always freaking out and then I just get black-outs when I can't think straight when I don't find anything smart or clever to say. And I'll probably faint if anyone of my old teachers show up(holy jesus). Oh well, I have nothing to lose so I'm giving my all tomorrow.
I've come to the conclusion that I miss school. Kind of. It's just the everyday routine that I miss nothing else about it really. Maybe the fact that you do something useful with your life and learn.. After 12 years of school it feels like a big part of my everyday life is not there anymore.
